Feeling lost
Loss is a universal facet of life. Loss can also be perceived as an emotion, an entity, an end.
For a while, I’ve lost the meaning of it all: my identity, my purpose, and simply, my life.
I’ve lost in touch with reality, the version of myself that I once knew or thought I knew, and the present self — the now.
The present self is what matters most and here’s why: You know who you are now. No one will surely know who they were three years ago or how they felt a week ago, but ask me how I’m doing now and you will get your answer right away.
But emotions are flexible. Just because I’m feeling sad right now doesn’t assure that the emotion will last. Even more so with happiness.
Love and happiness are both emotions. But we expect them to last — why? Could it be because of our ego, our desires, our temptation for an easier and better life? Or is it because we truly do seek positivity, the idea of immortality and eternal happiness?
“I’ve lost in touch with reality, the version of myself that I once knew or thought I knew, and the present self — the now.”
Growing up, I never believed in “forever.” Call me pessimistic, but the idea of eternal peace and happiness doesn’t intrigue me. I simply don’t believe that things will last for that long, and looking back at history, I feel that there is enough proof to acclaim myself credible.
Point is, things won’t last forever. That’s only a fairy tale. However, that doesn’t mean you should avoid creating attachments and strong bonds. If anything, you should be able to create even stronger relationships knowing that eventually, it will come to an end. Perhaps I may be alone feeling this, but knowing the end gives me comfort. Uncertainty scares me more than anything. So as I assure myself that the relationship I am going into will come to an end eventually, I am able to create healthy boundaries and avoid creating an obsession.
On the counterpart, many will argue that this way of thinking leads to toxic mindsets and relationships. But maybe that’s why we’re all so afraid of death. We fear when things slowly come to an end, and we refuse to accept tragedy. Instead, we should be open to unexpected circumstances and learn to practice detachment.
“Uncertainty scares me more than anything.”
Recently, I’ve invested most of my time reading about Taoism and Stoicism. These two are different in their origin but very alike in their beliefs. Taoism is a Chinese philosophy that promotes the idea “Nature is God.” It is very strongly related to Stoic’s belief of Pantheism where we “live in harmony with the Gods.” Although I was never big on religion and still feel skeptical about God, these two philosophies have still given me the drive to progress and persist. I believe that it is the concept of self-discipline that sparks that motivation, rather than the actual belief itself. Both theories also practice individualism and learning to be more self-driven, instead of depending on another individual for self satisfaction. In a way, this has helped me overcome vulnerability with those around me and I guess it’s fair to say I’ve become somewhat of a stoic myself.
“We fear when things slowly come to an end, and we refuse to accept tragedy.”
Ideally, we want to make excuses for our own faults, blame, depend, and rely on others for our own self-perseverance. But this is no ideal world. The world we live in is much more harsh, more self-deprecating, and less desirable. The point is to make the most out of those difficult moments. Stop the self-hatred, self-doubt, and co-dependence. Stop caring too much about what others think.
And if life is a game, keeping losing but don’t stay in the defeat lane. Pick yourself back up and climb to the top, and once you realize that you are all that you got, no one will be happier than you when you prove that you’re the winner. Be the tortoise in the finish line.
